A 5-match ODI series against South Africa, you say? Two of
the top ODI teams in the world, you say? Yes, okay then.
1.
I hope it’s becoming clear why in this house we call
James “F**k Off” Faulkner, James “F**k Off” Faulkner. The vultures are
circling, the coyotes closing in, the end is nigh and James stands up, waves a
fire stick and shouts “Just f**k off! Gawn, git!”
They say he’s the Finisher and compare him to Michael Bevan,
but... seriously? I can’t think of two more different players, temperamentally
or in manner of “finishing”. I know what they called McGrath, but the Metronome
always meant Bevan to me. He’d be thrown into the shit half way through the 50
overs and it was like he had a little punch card in his head that distributed
the necessary runs over the available overs, 1s and 2s, 1s and 2s, a little
flash here and there but nothing too flash so they don’t see what’s happening. And
you’d turn around, and they’d turn around and everyone would go, hang on, what happened,
where was all that shit again? Whereas James drops in at the death and punches
a hole through the problem and everyone sits up and takes notice. I also call
him “All Stops” in my head, as in what you have to pull out.
They both show you though that for all its reputation as fizzy,
it’s coolness of head that makes or breaks you in the limited-over form of the
game. But we already knew that from the second semi-final against South Africa
in the 1999 World Cup. I see you, Allan Donald.
2.
And I see you, Wayne Dillon Parnell. Sounds like a soccer
player, looks like a soccer player. I have always pooh-poohed the tut-tutting
of, eg, tattoos or earrings on sports players, but when it comes to the “man
bun undercut” with a side of “hipster beard”, I cannot, as the Fug Girls say. The
core problem with a haircut like that must be that every time you stuff up,
people will blame your hair. He fluffed a fielding move on Friday, leaping on a
ball that somehow bounced off him and away to the boundary, and my immediate
thought was, “Well, what do you expect with hair like that?”
But here’s a thought:
Dale Steyn, of course, like all good psychos, cuts his own hair.
3.
Okay, so the last two games were pretty good, but before
that I was struggling. I knocked off three recorded episodes of Say Yes to the Dress (two original
flavour, one Atlanta) in the second innings of the third ODI. Even when the
outcome was still undecided, the game could not stand up to the charms of Debbie,
Flo, guru Randy and a whole lotta ruching.
In the end I am just not in the mood for ODIs at this time of
year. They are for the fun, wind-down part of the season after the solemnity of
the Tests, and certainly only the solemnity of the Tests can launch the season.
Cricket sells itself on the idea of celebrating ritual and shoes have to be put
on in the right order. As far as I am concerned, these are practice games for
the World Cup, the season hasn’t started, I’m not ready, you can’t make me. I
completely understand why this series had to be scheduled in this way, but in
return you the Scheduler must completely understand why I didn’t buy tickets. It’s
nothing personal.
