Parallel story: when I am dodging work to watch the cricket I try to kill more than one bird, in this case making an apple pie during the first session.
There's been a lot of "5-nil" talk in the lead up to this series. To which I say: no amount of crowing “5-nil” will convince me that anything
but an away series win will properly avenge the Ashes of 2005. And it will especially
not avenge the tragesty* that was the 2011-12 home series loss, which no one
seems to talk about. I tell you, the vision of Graeme Swann doing the
“sprinkler” in front of the Barmy Army at the SCG is not easily forgotten, let
alone forgiven.
The 2006-2007 series, the original “5-nil”, only represented
“job done” for one person, Shane Warne, which we know because he called it a
day. The pleasure of the 2006-2007 whitewash was the Shane Warne narrative that
ran through it and ran through him. Not the wins per se, but the sheer force of
will that won the Adelaide Test and the showmanship that produced the 700th
wicket. It perfectly encapsulated the command of the elements and the story
that characterised his whole career.
It represented an appropriate counterpoint
to 2005 because the great spectacle of that series, more than the losses per
se, was the Agony of Warne trying to win the Ashes all by himself when all was collapsing around him. For sheer defiance in the face of the
odds, for the attempt to be not only every bowler but every batsman, it was
probably an even greater demonstration of will than 2006-2007, and all the greater
for being unsuccessful.
Now, however, Test cricket seems to have settled into a too-comfortable pattern of we win here, you win there, I’m OK, you’re OK, trophies
going back and forth like a game of pass-the-parcel where every child gets a prize.
It’s not okay, I tell you. A while ago people said Australia crushing the
English here at home was getting “boring” and I said never, never will I tire
of the Melancholy of Nasser, but I think now that was because it came on top of
beating them on their home territory - take that and that. Without that added edge, as part of a regular pattern…
yes, it is potentially boring. And even if not, don’t pretend 5-nil is good enough.
*James Hooper came out with this portmanteau on an episode
of the Back Page a while ago and it
has stuck.
This
Yes. Combined age 451, combined chromosomal arms 56. A dick
cannot of a Y chromosome an X chromosome make.
1. I’ll say firstly that we have to make allowances for
Chappell and Lawry. Every cricketer who took the risk of helping Kerry Packer create
the World Series was promised a job for life, so these two will not go anywhere
until they die or damn well want to.
2. At the other end of the spectrum, I have never understood
or accepted the presence of Mark Nicholas and you can see from the photo that he
knows he does not belong there too. The anchor spot is the obvious entry point
for a woman into this line up and should happen immediately.
3. Michael Clarke. Simultaneously bores and enrages me. I
think this is the polarisation of the impression he used to make on me at press
conferences: bland and irritating. He was so perfect at the media thing so this
seems a logical continuation and yet not. So not. Apart from anything else we
didn’t get a break from him. He went straight from captaining to the commentary
box! We needed a rest. Everyone else leaves a decent gap. Don’t be so eager.
Stop reminding us of how commercial a proposition you are. He won’t go, of
course.
4. Warnie. Has the novelty worn off? His lack of
self-censorship and strategic nous was refreshing at the start. Now he mostly appears
as the har har larrikin** interspersed with pronouncements from on high about
individual players that become media stories. There is no correlation between
Warnie’s magnificence as a cricketer (see above) and his presence on the small
screen. Warnie is big, but the pictures are small. He won’t go, of course.
5. Healy. Such a nice face. Can we keep him, Mum?
6. Michael Slater and Mark Taylor. Nothing personal, but it
is hard to see their presence as necessary.
Funnily enough one of the aims of WSC was to attract more
women and migrants to the game. Nine also recently televised parts the Women’s
Ashes series, though unfortunately not the most telegenic moment of Elyse
Perry’s 200. The tide in this area is turning very quickly. However stodgy the
Nine commentary team is, I can’t see the line-up lasting too much longer. They might be hanging out for Elyse Perry to retire, but that might be a while.
** You know the irony about that whole “Gunna have a beer? Eh? Eh?” incident? Warnie is not really a beer drinker, as far as I can gather from the too-many biographies I have read. Too challenging for his
palate, I guess. I would imagine he is a bourbon and coke man, maybe scotch and soda,
the odd red wine. Not a big drinker in general I think. Most of the pictures of Warnie "drinking" alcohol show him pouring it over his head or attempting to fit his mouth around the whole rim of a glass, in the manner of, respectively, a toddler and a 12 year old. This didn’t stop the 99 Not Out beer designed
for him by Moa from being a really excellent beer and by far the best value beer on the
market when they started remaindering it.
In case you were wondering about the pie:
I think it speaks for itself.
