26 November 2012

Second test


What now?

That's Laura Csortan, former Miss Australia. Maybe I need to improve my personal grooming. On the other hand, she's the troll.

I missed most of the first session of this Test because I was writing a Heckler for the Sydney Morning Herald. The Heckler editors sent a message via the Column 8 editors last Thursday that they didn't need any more Heckles of bike paths, oversized prams, rude waitstaff and mobile phone etiquette. What they did need, urgently, or so they said, were rants about "cosmology, architecture, literature and aggressive ducks". It just so happens that cosmology is one of my chief pet hates, so I got down to it. They haven't got back to me. My fault for buying into the grumpy old persons sections of the paper I suppose.

But I'll take the segue: as much as the grumpy old persons in the Grandstand box mutter about T20 cricket, they roll over like puppies when someone plays T20 cricket in the middle of a Test match. One of the South African commentators suggested Dave Warner's performance on the first day was like "clubbing baby seals". I'll say it was also like "tickling puppies' tummies". Mine included, what's not to enjoy?

At the other end of the spectrum, and the Test, was plenty of "real Test cricket". I tried to induce a wicket this afternoon with a nap, but it was like reverse Rip Van Winkle: when I woke up, nothing had changed. I'm glad to see Nathan Lyon doing well, because like many a spinner he looks like the kind to get sand kicked in his face, maybe by someone like Shane Watson. Peter Siddle reminded me that when I am on the treadmill and I think I'm pushing myself a bit, I am so not pushing myself, but that's why we watch them and not me.

There was a lot of talk on the radio about how "digging in" was part of the South African national character. I hope they meant something about velds, because if the English love a gritty stand because it reminds them of the Blitz, what special cultural symbol of intransigence do you think of in relation to South Africa?

Distractions

I've been seeing a bit of soccer, because my new friend's a member of Sydney FC. I am constantly reminded that one of the reasons I follow cricket is because it is slow enough for me to work out what is going on, but I still have my other skills to fall back on. To wit, my take on Alessandro Del Piero:

=



+

For these and other reasons, it's a lot easier to maintain focus when he has the ball.

15 November 2012

1st test, shame about the rest

Channel 9 showed a montage of various cricket feats leading in to the first day of the first Test, with Richie meandering over the top. I couldn’t work out what the thread was – maybe notable Gabba moments, maybe notable AUS vs RSA moments… I made the mistake of wondering out loud and got back from my spectating companion: “Richie’s spank bank”. It was probably revenge for the unwelcome images I had foisted on said companion from my Men of Cricket calendars, specifically Shane Watson in aught but a towel.*

This is where I should mention that, along with the other things that happened this winter, I lost the cat (when my flatmate moved out), but gained a boyfriend. Those things probably go together: when I spend too much time watching Japanese cats on YouTube, the ads start sizing me up not only as a single female, but a potential customer of Christian dating sites. So unlike when I spend too much time watching the cricket and am called to grimy power-tool parties with the promise of bad beer. Or rather, called to bad beer with the promise of grimy power-tool parties. Just how dirty do your hands need to be before you can call yourself a man? 

As far as I can tell, there is no way to refer to a boyfriend (/SO/MM/OH/DH) in print and remain likeable, including to the individual in question. I'll milk it here and now, and then try never to speak of it again. 

My new friend is tough on Ricky. When I asked him what injury it was that Ricky had been picked despite of, he said, “Age.” When I said Ricky was hoping to be part of the 2013 Ashes team, he said, “I would also like to be part of the 2013 Ashes team.”** 

My appreciation of the fuller-figured man leaves him feeling a little inadequate, but he helpfully suggested a month or so ago that I check out "Fatcat" Ritchie. Yeah, no. I did however look up Arjuna Ranatunga on Google Image yesterday, and was told that a “related search” was “arjuna ranatunga fat”. Firstly, in the words of another Sri Lankan-born fellow, "Why are people so unkind?" Secondly, that seems a strange thing to be “searching” for.

The game? I'd like for Australia not to start an innings with a 3 for under 50. I didn't watch their first session, I didn't want to see another 3 for under 50. I thought maybe if I didn't watch it they wouldn't be 3 for under 50. I didn't check the score overnight, saying to myself, "I bet they're 3 for under 50". I'm sorry Ed Cowan, you seem very nice for a private school boy and well done, but I'd like to return to the 3 for under 50 thing, because it has to stop.

* But holy moley, he is lucky I don't paste these (SPOILER ALERT CLICK ONLY IF YOU DARE) Paul Freeman pics of SW I just found. Is this like Marilyn's early centrefold? "I'm only new on the scene and I figured this was a great way to get my face and a few other things out there." Insert "naked ambition" quip.

** Tangentially, I once asked a friend, in his mid-40s, at what point he stopped having the fantasy that he would play cricket for Australia. He basically said “What do you mean, ‘stopped’?” I find menfolk are often adamant that someone or other on the team must go, and I think this must be why. It's good old lizard brain, whispering: "There but for the obstinacy of Ricky go I." By the way, Paul Freeman pics of SW. Heh.

08 November 2012

Are we there yet?


And just like that, he was gone. So long, Whitney Troll, and thanks for all the life advice.

Half heart

I've been trying to remember how many years it has been now that I've had a bit of a sinking feeling on the cusp of the cricket season. Didn't the South Africans win the series here 4 years ago? Is that when this mess started? Don't you hate it when the South Africans say they know how hard it is to win a series in Australia, not because they've tried and failed, but because they have vivid, glowing, minty-fresh memories of when they did it last time?

I'm ashamed of what a fair-weathered friend I've turned out to be in the lengthening shadow of Australia's decline. I know people who found Australia's cricketing supremacy a turn-off, I've read people say it was boring, but I absolutely loved it. It helps to be a naïf, in sporting terms. And it helps to be a female, who sees sportsmen as abstract characters rather than types remembered grimly from school. And I didn't know any different. Australia winning was an uncomplicated pleasure, and now... it's complicated. Grrr.

Strike a pose

I got the ABC cricket magazine today, Swotto on the cover, haven't gotten much further than that.

But here's something. A lookalike challenge, appropriately enough.

For many years, I was familiar with the folk below playing roles in the ABC's "Fielding Positions" map. They were, as I saw it, Ian Chappell on strike, Adam Gilchrist the non-striker, and Steve Waugh the bowler. Interesting game. Australian top XXII against itself?

 For the last couple of years, we've had this bunch:
I'll say that's Mitchell bowling, Alim Dar umpiring, but the others? Maaayyybeee Brad Haddin at the non-strikers end? Who's just lost his (helpfully labelled) leg stump?

But before Chappelli & co, we had this:


A couple of stiff fin-de-siècle fellows from before my time at the other end, I guess that's Steve Bucknor umpiring, and it seems to be a blond on strike. Kim Hughes? Jeff Thomson?

More questions: Why did they efface the umpire in the middle period? And wouldn't it be more helpful to use the behind-the-bowler perspective that the television viewer is most accustomed to rather than this behind-the-batsman view? Is this a secret ABC shunning of Packer's newfangled angles? A repudiation of the spectator in favour of the player? The old batsman-over-bowler bias?

Answers on the back of an envelope please to batsyblog@gmail.com

01 November 2012

Lost in the jungle



Speaking of trolls, Mike Whitney has taken up residence in my neighbour's letterbox.

It's a bit spooky, and every time I open the front door, it's like he's telling me to weed the goddamn front lawn and write some Batsy. I know I shouldn't pander to trolls, but he's probably right.

It's been a big winter. I got Foxtel and an enormous flat-screen TV, just in time for a dismal one-day series against England. I think HD is made for sport - the hyper-reality makes everything look oddly fake in drama - but it doesn't do the sportsman's complexion any favours. In this photoshopped world, it's a long time since I saw a famous person's pores, but there's nowhere to hide when they put up the profile shots. I guess no one is supposed to care about that, except for George, and who cares about him any more? Seeing baseball on Foxtel has also confirmed my love of the Buddha Warrior type. I look forward to seeing these well-calibrated folk at the SCG.

In the T20, Watson continued to exasperate with his usefulness. Great final. Pat Cummins looks like a young Glenn McGrath, but also a lady who used to be in animated advertisement for hayfever medication. Her head would swell up until she was all nose and eyelashes, and Pat nails that look. I know, a sad reference without pictures, I searched to no avail.

Easy Tiger

I don't often read the Sports pages, but I'm a bit sorry about that now, because something excellent dropped out of them this morning, lurking in the Shaver Shop catalogue. The trouble people have to go to just because there isn't a masculine equivalent for "bikini line".