Please, a paddle

Well, surely this was waiting to happen, how many lucky escapes from first innings collapses have we had this series? And only the one recovery that amounted to winning a game.

I had the ultimate Boxing Day yesterday: a beach swim before a late breakfast of leg-ham and egg in front of the toss, then rising from the couch only to make myself a turkey and stuffing sandwich, a bowl of cold pudding and custard, or to go for a nice nap. The pudding however was seeking solace after Ponting's dismissal, the nap seeking oblivion after Hussey went, and the couch useful mainly for having a back I could push my head into.

But the "oh no oh no oh no" when the wickets fell was nothing to the "OH NO OH NO OH NO" upon seeing Johnson spraying one so far down the off side that the fact it wasn't called a wide can only be a Christmas miracle. There's being up shit creek and there's not having the paddle.

So can we move off the sports and onto the comic pages? Let's shall.

1. I noticed before the start that BOTH the English and Australian anthems have sprouted fiddly trills at the beginning in an attempt to distract from what dogs they are. The Australian one has certainly done that for a while, I hadn't noticed it on God Save the Queen, though I must say the whole of God Save the Queen makes the Australian anthem appear less of a dog.

2. Early in the piece, Kevin Pietersen diving after missing a catch off Watson, in the soccer sense of the term.

3. I've only just noticed Chris Tremlett's cheekbones. In the 80s, whenever I saw Ivan Lendl I could not put aside the idea that every night before going to bed he would strap two tennis balls to his head so that each one nestled in the hollow of a cheek. Same deal with Tremlett, substitute cricket balls.

4. Bresnan: a return to the potatoey English bowler of yesteryear (specifically, 2005) - the love child perhaps of Caddick and Harmison?


5. Oh ads, the irony you conceal. I had the sound down, but there appeared to be an ad where the Aussies "gave the Poms a chance" by batting blindfold. You can stop that right now. "Just keep walking" also had a barb that was surely not intended.

Anyway, to the barricades/couch for day 2.

But if I didn't have little faith I would never have discovered the phrase "petty fidianism"

“The Real Mitchell Johnson”, if that is his real name, accused me in the comments yesterday of petty fidianism and look, I admit it. When Michael Slater quoted Latin sage Bon Jovi (“Good cheer”) before the start of this match – “you gotta keep the faith” – I was tempted to paraphrase Monty Python – “what are they gonna do, bleed on them?”

But why wouldn't I have little faith? There’s only so many times you can hear “It’ll be different this time, I can change”, only to come back in from putting the washing on the line to find the Australian team again blotto on the kitchen floor.

Even now, you would have thought a truly joyful bowling effort and a juicy first innings lead would ease the collywobbles in the Australian top order, but... what is it? but... but oh? BUT NO. Lord help me I am even developing feelings of thankfulness – real and not just grudging ones – for Shane “The Wodge” Watson.

But let's speak of other things:

Terry Alderman: welcome back Terry Alderman, your relentless indignation is like an old friend. He managed to maintain a rant about short deliveries and their uselessness in getting wickets right up to, through and out the other side of Peter Siddle getting a wicket with one. That’s top-shelf crabbiness. He followed it up with a good spray at the old chestnut of Drinks Breaks.

The KP sleaze bomb:
Here’s a curious thing. They did a little ring-side interview with Mitchell Johnson on Channel 9 toward the end of the day yesterday, and they asked him whether any of the wickets were particularly special. He said they all were, of course, but that he supposed Pietersen’s wicket gave him special pleasure because KP had been repeatedly asking him for his phone number and saying he wanted to be friends. I suppose this is a new form of sledging? I would give anything though that it weren’t and that Johnson was simply declaring his revulsion at the overture.

Because there are in fact suggestions afoot that Kevin Pietersen is waging a terrifying campaign of sleaze in the antipodes. The speeding in the yellow Lambourghini of course, and then in the last session yesterday he actually draped his arm around an umpire and it looked like Strauss came up to detach KP’s hand from the umpire’s shoulder. Dude, stop touching the umpire. It must be quite a stress on the whole team to keep KP’s sleaze fallout to a minimum radius.

Speaking terms again

I “stopped talking” to the cricket for an hour or so yesterday morning. For the rest of the day I managed to keep everything down to a manageable level – the volume, the tension, the expectation – except for a bad moment when Channel 9 decided during the rain to show the end of the Adelaide Test from 4 years ago. Ouch. I turned around to see them all – Hussey, Warnie, Brett Lee – tumbling over each other like labrador puppies. So golden and healthy and happy! Sigh.

A friend has offered to take me out for a “session in the nets” in the quest to get me out of the house. I am going to have to develop my technical knowledge of the game if I am going to be able to “enjoy” watching Kevin Pietersen, as Jonathan Agnew suggested even the most ardent Australian supporter must. But do I really want that to happen? Mayn’t I hold on to the warped lens of my bigotry? I don’t think I would know who I was if I started enjoying watching Kevin Pietersen.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow. One thing this series has put paid to is the idea that there is anything especially Australian about chirping and crowing when you’re on top.

KP KO

I am very sorry to read that Kevin Pietersen is out of the series, because it has been a highlight of both games so far to see him make a dickhead of himself (following Nietszche's maxim to "become what you are").

Test 1 Day 1 Twitter

First session

First word after first ball: "Tame". But I was ashamed of myself for saying it.

Superstition at the start: ale or lager more auspicious for Australian victory? I'm a lager girl, but it IS winter and the pale ale seems to speak to me when I look in the fridge. After first taking the lager I actually run back to the fridge to swap it for the ale before the first ball. TV or radio commentary? Choice inhibited because the cat desperately anchors me to the spot as soon as I sit down, but I move to the other TV after a bit so I can work at the kitchen table while watching and the radio pairings are a treat: Blofeld & Chapell! Aggers and Boycott! Gillespie at lunch! Delightful.

Hilfenhaus looked more dangerous from the start, though both he and Johnson improved after the first few overs. And I had heard Johnson needs time to warm up.

Did you see the Hilfenhaus's Warney-like Come on! when he got the breakthrough?

Did you see the smile on Johnson's face when he got his first wicket? I've decided Mitchell Johnson looks a little bit like Jamie-Lee Curtis.

Poor Bopara, almost wished him luck compared to the odious Pietersen. I like an Anglo-Indian. Remember that Mark Butcher innings? But now I can't find any evidence that Mark Butcher is Anglo-Indian and it seems rude to press the point. And am I suggesting he is any less English? Erk, digging holes here.

Second session

I do love the way Bloers talks about a bowler, he used to wax very fully over Brett Lee and for that I am sorry Lee is not in. But he's doing a good number on Hilfenhaus. They always come across like El Caballo Blanco show ponies.

Damien Martyn has an extraordinary wide/wild-eyed look in the SBS commentary studio, a bit psychedelic, reminds me of a ventriloquist's dummy. So is Stuart or Greg the ventriloquist? I'll be watching to see if one of them ostentatiously takes a drink of water. The small screen demeanours of people you normally watch making big movements on a big stage are so fascinating—Stuart Clark for example has some kind of eye squint/tic you cant stop watching once you notice it. Makes him even more endearing. Greg Matthews, here and now, looks rough as guts. He's so uncool I put him beyond good or bad a long time ago. Stuart Magill isn't bothering me, I'll probably really like him by the end of the series.

Third session

Ricky Ponting says: "Every day I need to become healthier and more energetic." Isn't there an upper limit to that trend? Surely.

Dammit, again NOT PIETERSEN.

Finally Pietersen, and so to bed.