But no

I thought there was a glimmer of hope when Andrew Strauss decided to bowl. Wasn’t sending the other team in a famously series-turningly fatal move in Ashes lore? I was so mesmerised by this possibility that Anderson’s first couple of balls even looked... could they be a bit wide? But no.

Is “but no” the motto of the series?

I had thought for example that the Adelaide start was not just bad, but freakishly bad, "freakish" meaning "an aberration of nature", "statistically unlikely to happen again very soon". But no!

“You’d think they...” “What if...” “Surely...” But no. But... but... ? No!

I am grateful for Jonathan Agnew, who somehow manages to sound soothing even when he's saying "4 for 49".

Warnie

When Picasso first showed his portrait of Gertrude Stein and people said it didn’t look much like her, he replied: “It will.” Who would have thought the same principle would apply to the 2007-2008 VB Summer of Spin Shane Warne plastic figurine?

People have texted me to ask if I am driving the campaign to bring him back. My position is that I am all in favour of his return, on the condition that he arrive at the ground in a golden helicopter and is lowered to the pitch as fireworks are let off around the ground and “Thus Spake Zarathustra” blares from the speakers. I think that's about the level and flavour of the idea.

Speaking terms again

I “stopped talking” to the cricket for an hour or so yesterday morning. For the rest of the day I managed to keep everything down to a manageable level – the volume, the tension, the expectation – except for a bad moment when Channel 9 decided during the rain to show the end of the Adelaide Test from 4 years ago. Ouch. I turned around to see them all – Hussey, Warnie, Brett Lee – tumbling over each other like labrador puppies. So golden and healthy and happy! Sigh.

A friend has offered to take me out for a “session in the nets” in the quest to get me out of the house. I am going to have to develop my technical knowledge of the game if I am going to be able to “enjoy” watching Kevin Pietersen, as Jonathan Agnew suggested even the most ardent Australian supporter must. But do I really want that to happen? Mayn’t I hold on to the warped lens of my bigotry? I don’t think I would know who I was if I started enjoying watching Kevin Pietersen.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow. One thing this series has put paid to is the idea that there is anything especially Australian about chirping and crowing when you’re on top.

Test 1 Day 1 Twitter

First session

First word after first ball: "Tame". But I was ashamed of myself for saying it.

Superstition at the start: ale or lager more auspicious for Australian victory? I'm a lager girl, but it IS winter and the pale ale seems to speak to me when I look in the fridge. After first taking the lager I actually run back to the fridge to swap it for the ale before the first ball. TV or radio commentary? Choice inhibited because the cat desperately anchors me to the spot as soon as I sit down, but I move to the other TV after a bit so I can work at the kitchen table while watching and the radio pairings are a treat: Blofeld & Chapell! Aggers and Boycott! Gillespie at lunch! Delightful.

Hilfenhaus looked more dangerous from the start, though both he and Johnson improved after the first few overs. And I had heard Johnson needs time to warm up.

Did you see the Hilfenhaus's Warney-like Come on! when he got the breakthrough?

Did you see the smile on Johnson's face when he got his first wicket? I've decided Mitchell Johnson looks a little bit like Jamie-Lee Curtis.

Poor Bopara, almost wished him luck compared to the odious Pietersen. I like an Anglo-Indian. Remember that Mark Butcher innings? But now I can't find any evidence that Mark Butcher is Anglo-Indian and it seems rude to press the point. And am I suggesting he is any less English? Erk, digging holes here.

Second session

I do love the way Bloers talks about a bowler, he used to wax very fully over Brett Lee and for that I am sorry Lee is not in. But he's doing a good number on Hilfenhaus. They always come across like El Caballo Blanco show ponies.

Damien Martyn has an extraordinary wide/wild-eyed look in the SBS commentary studio, a bit psychedelic, reminds me of a ventriloquist's dummy. So is Stuart or Greg the ventriloquist? I'll be watching to see if one of them ostentatiously takes a drink of water. The small screen demeanours of people you normally watch making big movements on a big stage are so fascinating—Stuart Clark for example has some kind of eye squint/tic you cant stop watching once you notice it. Makes him even more endearing. Greg Matthews, here and now, looks rough as guts. He's so uncool I put him beyond good or bad a long time ago. Stuart Magill isn't bothering me, I'll probably really like him by the end of the series.

Third session

Ricky Ponting says: "Every day I need to become healthier and more energetic." Isn't there an upper limit to that trend? Surely.

Dammit, again NOT PIETERSEN.

Finally Pietersen, and so to bed.