ODI Retrospective floor sweepings

I gather there's a World Cup on, but free-to-air me wouldn't know about that yet and dammit if I don't still have baggage from the post-Test part of the summer. I know, such old news. Who do I think I am? A procrastinating obsessive is who: I have Thoughts that won't go away but which take me an age to get out. Some truths are in any case perennial.

1. There were days in January when you couldn't open a paper without a Hallelujah chorus issuing forth hailing the coming of Shane Watson, saviour of the honour of the Australian team and oil on the troubled waters of Ipswich. Congratulations Watto, your 5-year plan to become Freddie Flintoff is complete, you are our very own messianic all-rounder. I wish I liked you more. I accept you are MVP but could you ever be my BFF? (Hint: lose the WTF of the run-outs.)

2. I am glad Shaun Marsh distinguished himself with the bat, because it has given me a mental image of him to replace his showing as the Sexy Gardener in the 2009 Men of Cricket calendar:




Those are impressively air-brushed abs, but they don't quite divert my eyes from that... that "distressed" patch on the crotch. What am I supposed to infer from this jeans lesion? That the Lady of the Manor has been clawing at your groin? That there has been a constant Chafing of your Engorgement? That you have a phallus dentata? Like I said, there were some mental images that needed dispelling.

3. Speaking of images, is there a trope Peter Roebuck is more fond of than the Stages of Man? The passage from boy to man, obviously, but also coming to terms with the onset of decrepitude. There is no action that cannot be analysed as a negotiation of life's great Journey. Michael Clarke at the crease trying to strike a balance between defence and attack? "He has to find his Own Path."

4. This season has been a relatively lean one for look-alikes. Like everyone else I have been charmed by Brett Lee's return, and his boy-scout derring-do. And so:

Things from the rest of Test #3

So, Michael Clarke's new nickname in my loungeroom is "Rasputin", so many sure-death blows did he uncannily survive on his way to 100. Not able to catch him on a legal delivery or persuade his stumps to dislodge, the English eventually tried to "bore" him out, a strategy that became so tedious that when he hit a ball two-thirds of the way to the boundary rope on 96 I half expected the English fielder running after it to give it a good kick along and get it over with.

***

Earlier on Day 5, Shane Warne was captaining the English bowlers from the commentary box: just be patient, be patient, don't try and force it, don't get ahead of yourself, let it come, it'll all come, it'll come in a hurry, relax…










Sorry, where were we?

I'd heard of the "fog" that Warney was able to create in batsmen's minds, but as much as I love Warney—and I love Warney—I hadn't really extrapolated this to other areas, crediting him with more enthusiasm than sensitivity in such domains… until now. I've said enough. Too much. Area Shane!

Conspiracy theory 1

Not only does Nathan Hauritz's haircut appear to be a DIY job but Brett Lee's blonde is also an unpleasant urine-like shade suggestive of self-administered treatment. Have the English, recalling that Warney only started taking serious wickets once he lost the mullet, set up a secret Julio Embargo blocking professional hairdressers from approaching the Australian team? (Whereas Hilfenhaus appeared to get a proper haircut between the 1st and 2nd Tests, presumably before the embargo set in, and his fitness has—THUS—been preserved.)

Conspiracy theory 2

SBS's music selections have taken a confusing turn. They usually play snatches of uptempo songs from hip young Australian bands, eg. Temper Trap's "Science of Fear", which I haven't read too much into since I've just thought it was SBS being modern and Australian and uptempo—until NOW: these lyrics are the world's worst vote of confidence/terrifyingly prescient/might have a lot to answer for. They seem to describe the experience of a car crash happening in slow motion. Hmmm.

On Day 4 they started playing U2's "I Will Follow" – a little confusing, my brain started projecting follow-on situations that didn't exist and didn't really fit the song anyway. But this was nothing compared to Day 5's WTF multi-trumpet instrumental of "Frère Jacques".

Phil Jaques, obviously, but why? And why trumpets? I've heard the ACB can be less than direct when communicating with players, but... ? Theories welcome.

Look, what's that over there?

Test 3 Day 2 too painful to talk about. God, aghast at handiwork, has sent rain, without quite grasping the mathematics of possible outcomes from a 5-match series (omniscience? could try harder).

So, distractions it is. Curios from the Useful Box:

Curio 1

(NB. clicking on the image makes it bigger)

This is a piece by Ben Dorries from the Daily Telegraph the day after The Day the Music Died, ie 22 December 2006. I thought it wasn't at all a bad stab given how perilous this kind of thing can be (Marcus North was also named as a squad member in a side-bar). The accompanying article, discussing spinner options, suggests "Nathan Hauritz won't rate a mention", but who can blame him since he barely rates a mention now, doomed to be beige in the eyes of his beholders.

So, what did happen to Rogers, Jaques, Casson...? I ought to know, but I have an atrocious attention/memory span when it comes to the wider talent pool and rely on the kindness of strangers to tell me.

Nb. This was a much funner curio before the series sank into its current phase of gloomed oh-what-might-have-been-ness.

Curio 2

This is completely irrelevant (so much the better!), but is a personal Cricket Love favourite from the Daily Telegraph of 11 February 2003 (picture: Phil Hillyard):


I just adore the menswear-catalogue or even knitting-pattern-cover bonhomie here.

Shoaib: Ah-HO-ho-ho
Brett: Ah-HA-ha-ha
Shoaib: What am I laughing at Brett, ah-ho-ho-HO
Brett: It's a menswear thing Shoaib, you wouldn't understand... ah-ha-ha-HA
Shoaib: But it's definitely something over there, right? Ah-HO-HO-Ha!
Brett: As mine is over there. You're actually quite the natural at this. Ah-HA-ho-ha!
Shoaib: Ah-ho-HO-ho-ho ho! But of course. I am Shoaib Akhtar.

There is something to be said here about the tinkle-tinkle of gay laughter vs. the tinkle-tinkle of rain, or perhaps rainbow-like smiling-through-the-tears... damned if I know what it is though.

Test 1 Day 1 Twitter

First session

First word after first ball: "Tame". But I was ashamed of myself for saying it.

Superstition at the start: ale or lager more auspicious for Australian victory? I'm a lager girl, but it IS winter and the pale ale seems to speak to me when I look in the fridge. After first taking the lager I actually run back to the fridge to swap it for the ale before the first ball. TV or radio commentary? Choice inhibited because the cat desperately anchors me to the spot as soon as I sit down, but I move to the other TV after a bit so I can work at the kitchen table while watching and the radio pairings are a treat: Blofeld & Chapell! Aggers and Boycott! Gillespie at lunch! Delightful.

Hilfenhaus looked more dangerous from the start, though both he and Johnson improved after the first few overs. And I had heard Johnson needs time to warm up.

Did you see the Hilfenhaus's Warney-like Come on! when he got the breakthrough?

Did you see the smile on Johnson's face when he got his first wicket? I've decided Mitchell Johnson looks a little bit like Jamie-Lee Curtis.

Poor Bopara, almost wished him luck compared to the odious Pietersen. I like an Anglo-Indian. Remember that Mark Butcher innings? But now I can't find any evidence that Mark Butcher is Anglo-Indian and it seems rude to press the point. And am I suggesting he is any less English? Erk, digging holes here.

Second session

I do love the way Bloers talks about a bowler, he used to wax very fully over Brett Lee and for that I am sorry Lee is not in. But he's doing a good number on Hilfenhaus. They always come across like El Caballo Blanco show ponies.

Damien Martyn has an extraordinary wide/wild-eyed look in the SBS commentary studio, a bit psychedelic, reminds me of a ventriloquist's dummy. So is Stuart or Greg the ventriloquist? I'll be watching to see if one of them ostentatiously takes a drink of water. The small screen demeanours of people you normally watch making big movements on a big stage are so fascinating—Stuart Clark for example has some kind of eye squint/tic you cant stop watching once you notice it. Makes him even more endearing. Greg Matthews, here and now, looks rough as guts. He's so uncool I put him beyond good or bad a long time ago. Stuart Magill isn't bothering me, I'll probably really like him by the end of the series.

Third session

Ricky Ponting says: "Every day I need to become healthier and more energetic." Isn't there an upper limit to that trend? Surely.

Dammit, again NOT PIETERSEN.

Finally Pietersen, and so to bed.