Don’t make me come over there

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Oh, go on then. Two more sleeps before I get on a plane and sort them out. Hovering over Lords like Mary Poppins, I realise a lot of these UK grounds are Sesame Wheat shaped. I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles (boom boom).

The only written note I have from the Fifth Test is a quote from Geoffrey Boycott at the start of England’s second innings, after being made to follow on. Nathan Lyon had just tried something tricksy with Alastair Cook, who wasn’t having any of it. Normally Geoffrey addresses his remarks to the anchoring commentator, but this time he was so overcome with glee he spoke directly to the batsman: “Come, on Alastair, bore him to death all day, make him work for a wicket.” That's entertainment, Geoffrey-style. We might have put on a better show if we hadn't tried to be so entertaining, non-Geoffrey-style, but it's always the way with the Australian team. When they win it's through aggression, when they lose it's through aggression, they figure it's a 50/50 bet but they should probably spread their bets a little more.

When the end was nigh on the fourth day, Michael Clarke was relaxed and smiling in the slips like an office worker at 4 pm on his last day making jokes about stealing stationery and what he won’t miss. I'm going to call that “inappropriate”. I’ve never had a problem with the way Australia celebrate a win, but you don’t celebrate before you’ve won a game and you don’t celebrate when everyone is unhappy because you lost the f***ing series in an incredibly irritating way. And what player, let alone a captain, has ever shown jollies about retiring? Grandstand played an interview Jim Maxwell did with Clarke after he announced his retirement and he weirdly deflected really obvious and predictable questions about his best memories and highlights from his career – “just focused on this game, mate, really haven’t thought about it.” It makes me wonder whether, in the immortal words of Jennifer Aniston, “there’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing”. Maybe after all this time the Australian public never liked Michael because they smelled an affective bypass – which is to say because they couldn’t smell him at all.

No doubt there'll be a Letter from Lords at some point. For now, away! Those bottomless carpet bags look like a good carry-on option.