18 July 2009

Test 2, Day 2: cosmic ruckus

Frankly, I'm a little concerned.

Because it would seem that Russell Crowe's ego, already thought to be planet-sized, in fact has the wildly bloated mass of an aging dwarf star whose imminent gravitational collapse threatens to engulf us all in a sucking black hole implosion.

This, however, would presumably resolve the game in a draw. I can see the scene in 100 years time when the Mo-cyborg is rolled out for his "stats" roll card on how the Aussies have always managed to avoid defeat at Lords: "Year X: saved by rain; year Y: saved by rain; year Z: saved by amazing rearguard batting by the bowlers, and then of course the 2009 Ashes when a seemingly inevitable loss was averted by the Russell Crowe Black Hole Catastrophe gobbling up the whole of Lords. There's meteorology and then there's METEOROLOGY, ya know? Terrible tragedy, but it saved the match and thank God Russ himself was also completely sucked up into his own dark, oh so dark Hole (har har)."

I called it a night just after they resumed following tea, when Katich and Hussey were ploddingly picking up the pieces of the first session. But I couldn't sleep and when I got up again and turned on the telly it was clear this was because my lizard brain couldn't find peace with all the cosmic ruckus created by collapsing Australian wickets. Six for 139! I took some pleasure in seeing Johnson bat, but even this was short-lived.

So Australia is on 7/150, it's total disarray, and in the middle of it all Nasser welcomes Russell to the commentary box with him and Warney. What would you do? What would anyone do? Russell Crowe would take the opportunity to launch into a musty and long-winded question about captaining strategy in the LAST GAME — cos Lord knows that's what's on everyone's minds at the moment — which he has clearly been carrying around in his figurative pocket all day like a crumpled acceptance speech and he may as well have decided at that moment to read one of his poems, because that's about how irrelevant and pontificating it was.

The question never got answered — possibly never got finished, it certainly seemed interminable — because then HADDIN fell, because ACTUALLY WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TUMULTUOUS COLLAPSE. GOD.

There was more. It was horrific. Maybe another time, I don't think I can go through it again right now. Even Warney seemed embarrassed, and Nasser was speechless, but then nothing Russ said was actually designed to draw any response, it was just thud, thud, thud, lob out my cricket kudos, whack down some names, ho ho ho, here I am, baby. In the end Nasser just said: "Well... thanks a lot." Go Russ, please go.

What else?

New Ways to get batsmen out Pt II

Peter Siddle has a real Fee Fi Fo Fum aura when he's up, but clearly the blood of an Englishman doesn't agree with him.

Batting bowlers I

I'm enjoying Jason Gillespie's new career as the Voice of the Batsman. In Monday's Sydney Morning Herald he weighed in on the question of Harmison's recall, speaking, of course, from the batsman's perspective:
"It's just that unnerving bounce. Even when he does pitch it up, as a batter you're not quite sure whether it's there to drive or press forward to because he's so tall and he gets that bounce." (my emphasis)
Then again during the rain delay yesterday he was chatting with the older folk in the BBC commentary box about Andrew Flintoff:
Dizzy: "You always felt you were in with a chance with Andrew Flintoff…"
Other commentators, checking they've got this right: "As… a batter?"
Dizzy (totally blithe): "As a batter, yeah…"
The fact he says "batter" rather than the more orthodox "batsman" makes it even better. He's great.

Batting bowlers II - Hauritz: Orphan Annie?

Hauritz's hapless face under his helmet at the end of the day put me in mind of something, someone, some cartooned someone, and I think this is it:


But more worried. Meanwhile, before I got up again and saw the horrorshow x 2, my only real thought about Day 2 was:

Graham Onions = Ben Hilfenhaus + Reg Mombassa
























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